Mafia Wars


I woke up to my cellphone’s call for attention – the occasional ping of a social media website that sends a shiver of excitement down anyone’s spine each time it’s heard, only to often end up being an invite from a food group that they had forgotten to unlike.

With partly open eyes and a mind still clouded with the last night’s episode of Game of Thrones, I clamored to find the phone from under my pillow – my hands reaching out as if a drowning man calling for help – frantic and all over the place.

“Fauzia Arif,” the notification read, “has completed 56 levels of Candy Crush. Post on her wall to congratulate her.”

“How difficult is it to have a life these days?” I questioned angrily before, logging in to Sims Freeplay to check if my Sim was well-hydrated after the hours of virtual gardening I had put it through.

Now that I was finally up and getting my daily installment off the newsfeed, I scrolled down to spot familiar faces doing things that I only wished I could.

Sofia “Princess” Mir, the first update read: Just got updated to an iPhone 5, thanks to my hubby to be <3.

This was my friend from school who I had lost touch over the years and what remained of her memory were just the ugly bits that still stung like an evil bee. The status, as if spiraling me back to that time had me wanting to reply, but I couldn’t just comment on her status. That would just prove that she had my attention, which she didn’t of course.

I decided to update a status of my own.

“How cute. People are just beginning to get an iPhone 5. Steve Jobs is dead, folks!” I wrote.

And just as I was thinking my passive aggressive rant was done with, a new notification checked my smile that hadn’t fully appeared on my sleepy face.

“Don’t compare yourself to me. I’m someone they couldn’t even dare to be.”

“Whoa! Who is comparing who? Wait, where is that picture of Ali with that goofy smile of his where everyone thinks he resembles a deer?” I thought immediately scanning my desktop for saved pictures from yesteryears.

I had posted of photo of Ali and I at our best. The caption read, hubby already. It was the only picture of him where he hadn’t lost those few extra strands of hair covering his forehead and when his smile was just a genuine show of good countenance and not a silent question of “What’s for dinner?”.

The photo even though misleading was gold. Contented, I thought this would shut her bitch fit up but here’s the thing about social media: You can never be too sure – about anything.

And sure enough, a new status update from Sophia had followed: “I pity my friend who ended up with someone who has such an ugly face.”

My head was now reeling. I felt betrayed, backstabbed, insulted – all at once. This person, who had more asterisks in her name than my computer password was actually having fun at the expense of me? Me? Who had always scored the highest, got the better job, gotten the guy and had real friends for a change.  Who does she think she was?

My mental blabbering was interrupted by another ping from my cell phone.

“What? Is she not even going to wait for her turn now?”

It was a notification from my high school’s principal who thought tagging both of us in a status would be akin to calling us in to the principal’s room. She had proceeded to give us an online scolding – caps lock and all and said something about how our failed attempts at trolling still gave her nightmares.

If our online spat with each other wasn’t embarrassing enough – well, it wasn’t quite embarrassing, I am known to be more challenging on Facebook, that tagged status took the cake.

I quietly switched my phone off, pretended the online me was going on a hiatus and proceeded to tend to my real life responsibilities – the first of which included me getting out of the bed.

(This was done as part of a creative writing course at SZABIST)

 

 

Overheard at Social Media Mela


 

“Our national obsession is getting settled” – Sanjay Rajoura, Indian stand up comedian

“We like to think everyone who matters is on Twitter” – Mighty Obvious

“People use Twitter to get to home, not to find out how much crime is happening.” – Norbert Almedia. Pakistani instructor

“What was the question? I’m completely lost” – Mohammad Hanif, Pakistani author

“Yehi hota hai Twitter pe.” Karuna John, Indian Associate Editor

“If people don’t take you seriously, maybe there’s no room for you in this side of space.” – Mighty Obvious

“Most writers make the mistake of writing about themselves in their first book. Not everyone is interested” – Annie Zaidi, Journalist

“There are some really scary opinions on Twitter. Two days ago I woke up and Jinnah was trending.” Mohammad Hanif, Pakistani author

“If you want to write about yourself, make a blog and wait for somebody to read it” Jugal Mody, Indian author

“Foreigner Tourist: Is that a cow?

Sanjay Rajoura: Meray ko to gayay hi dikh rahi hai, tujhe kya dikh rahi hai?”

“Citizen Journalists? Next thing you know we will be having citizen brain specialists! How far is this going to go?” Mohammad Hanif.

Faizan Lakhani, Reporter on releasing news before his TV channel “My employers asked me – salaray hum detay hain ya Twitter?”

“I came to Twitter for a one night stand, then I fell in love with it. Now, Twitter and I are getting married” Karuna John

Mohsin Siddiqui “If you have columnists why do you have blogs?” Bilal Lakhani, Express Tribune “We dont’ pay our bloggers.”

“Is mulk main… Apni mulk ki baat kar raha hun. Kuch ho na ho, settle sab hojatay hain. Har ghar main ek daadi hoti hain jo potay ki shakal dekhay bina marti nahi hai” Sanjay Rajoura