It’s hard to let go. We as human beings, sometimes or the other in our lives are often inconvenienced by an unusual fixation on a habit, a thing or a person. Sometimes, it’s an addiction like smoking, or a familiar spot where you usually sit while watching TV. More often than not, there are people you can’t move on from. Sometimes you think you have and then you catch yourself thinking about them at seemingly insignificant moments of your life – when you are getting off from your car, when you are entering a classroom, waking up from your sleep or having your first cup of coffee of the day. It could be anywhere, any moment and you realize, you haven’t really moved on, have you?
Your mind keeps churning out memories – weaves and webs of moments spent doing meaningless things that for somehow seems to have an importance in your present life but they really don’t. Things happen, people move on, life goes on and not necessarily in that order. You fall, you pick up the pieces and you start anew, hoping for something better and fearing something worse. However, there are times when there’s nothing but a void – a blank sheet of canvas with no directions or clues about where to go with your life. And sometimes these times are many.
You don’t know where to go, whom to turn to, what exactly do you need, and what is that you’re supposed to do? Hours of thinking and analyzing returns a blank stare from the walls and maybe, a migraine. These are the times, when you just let go of all the wrong things – the wall that divides your past from the future, the divide that separates reality from fantasy. You need to survive the blank sheet of canvas, so what if you have to seek consolation from your past a bit or even imagine an unlikely future?
You think you have all the answers that you need but the most daring of questions, you avoid. You are rational, you think. You know what’s right for you. But how do you make things want what’s right for you? Decades of life on this Earth hasn’t taught you to consume calcium, with or without milk. Surely, calcium is right for you. But do you like it? No, it’s repugnant. Sometimes, it makes you nauseous.
You have done the best you think you could do for yourself, but you don’t stop wanting what you just consciously decided to leave behind. You want it. You want it bad. And you’re human and that’s okay. Or maybe that’s just an excuse, for want of finding something better to do in your life. It’s too meager to be called a mystery and too overwhelming to be shuffled aside. You know because you have tried. And, the resolve? The word itself is frightening.